Letting Go So They Can Grow
There was a deadly shooting across the street from my kids’ school on their first day back this year. Sadly, I’m not being dramatic.
Embarrassingly enough, I once debated about sending them to school full-time, because of the constant exposure to foreign germs, the possibility of bullying and the opportunity to fail. I would fear the chance their actions might negatively reflect on my mothering while they were out of my influence. I wouldn’t normally consider myself to be a fearful person in the traditional sense of the word. I might fear personal failure or looking foolish, but I’m not naturally inclined to fear “what might happen” scenarios, like shootings near my kids’ school. The fact I’m acknowledging and confessing all these fears feels quite foreign to me.
Years ago, as we were evaluating our schooling options for our first-born, a favorite aunt-in-law told me to make sure I never made this decision based on feelings of fear. I wholeheartedly agreed with her, but just didn’t realize how tempted I would be to give in to fear. You should know (if you don’t already), fear can cause you to do some strange things leading to poor decisions. Fear can even paralyze you from taking action for your basic needs.
Fears like:
- Basophobia prevents the person from walking or walking upright. Can you imagine?
- Chromophobia’s victim experiences negative emotions associated with color.
- Mageirocophobia inhibits the ability of basic culinary skills or the fear of cooking.
I know some of you would like to claim the third phobia (wink*wink), but in all honesty, I am overwhelmed by the list of fears and phobia’s I discovered on Wikipedia. Turns out we might be a fearful human race.
After each child was born, we did a baby dedication, a verbal demonstration of giving our gift of new life back to the Lord. We made a declaration in front of our church family that parenthood was stewarding what was never really ours to begin with, our child. It’s big talk for something so incredibly difficult to walk out on a daily basis. There is no way we can imagine, as we snuggle our little infant cradled in the protection of our arms, all the ways we must let go so they can grow.
My husband and I have fasted and pray about the BIG school decision most years. It has often been hard for me because the pros and cons list isn’t cut and dry and deep down inside, I have been afraid. I wanted to do the best by my kids, to do what the Lord wanted me to do and to make the sensible financial decision. But I wasn’t always fearing God, instead, sometimes, I would fear all the silly things I listed above or lack of provision and I feared for their safety out of MY protection.
Here’s what I’ve discovered; there is no perfectly safe, trouble-free or fear of free school choice.
Homeschooling required me to let go (of my fear of failure) and trust God in a bigger way. Not keeping them in the safety of my home required me to let go (of my fear of what-if’s) and trust God in a bigger way.
When I let go (of my fear of failure) Homeschooling my kids gave me the gift and joy of teaching them everything. I savored the victorious moments and the “Instagram worthy” read-aloud memories, but I also failed often in my patience and had to face my fear of failure on a regular basis. My love for learning and reading made most of the homeschooling day fun, but before long I started to see how my praise was only taking them so far and my ability to motivate them was quickly waning. The Lord was beginning to lead me to face my other fears and make a change.
So, what has happened since I let go (of my fear of what-if’s) and sent them off to a private school? All my fears have been realized. They got sick (though ironically on school breaks) they’ve failed exams, experienced various difficult social situations and made some poor choices resulting in (mom) embarrassment.
This year, on the first day of school, a deadly shooting happened a few hundred feet from the school entrance. And though they were never in grave danger, I’m reminded of how, ultimately, I’m not able to control all the things, no matter if they are with me or far away in someone else’s care.
But through all these moments, of staring my feared circumstances in the face, He has given me supernatural peace. He has granted me a steady confidence of His goodness and protection for my kids. Constantly, He reminds me that His love for them is greater than my love, always, no matter what. Honestly, I also pray more for them than I have in years past. Prayer is not a lucky charm, but I’ve learned to pray, instead of worrying about what I cannot see or change. I pray through scripture, with them and for them, like Ephesians 6:10-18, the full armor of God to guard their spirits, minds and bodies. I’m confident prayer kicks fear out the door and reminds it where to go.
There are four steps which I’ve used when I am battling fear:
- Confess my fears to others and God.
- Renounce the fear which is a lie.
- Reject the unhealthy thought and ask the Lord for a healthy one.
- Replace the unbelief with Truth (His Word) about God.
To all my many, dearest, homeschooling mama friends, y’all are amazing. I know each of you faces your unique fears and are trusting God in big ways. Give your kids back to Him every single day and pray.
To you mamas who must send your kids to learn from others you are so very brave. Whether it’s because you have no other choice or because this is the best choice, the Giver of supernatural peace can be trusted. Give your kids back to Him every single day and pray.
John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”