When Answed Prayer Requires More
She had been declining for years, but Papa Rollo’s death unveiled the true state of her mental health and for as sharp as she had been for over 80 years, the disease quickly took it’s toll. There had been signs of forgetfulness and moodiness, but nothing that couldn’t be explained away, until personal hygiene and favorite activities were not being well attended. My mom and her three sisters began noticing other things were slipping, but they all stepped in taking longer visits and communicating more with staff at the retirement home. Her lodging was very well covered thanks to Papa Rollo’s service to our country, but when she started running away to destinations of the past, we knew she couldn’t stay on her own any longer.
Southern California is far from middle America Kansas City, so when my parents started seriously considering moving her to their home in Colorado, an easy eight-hour drive, I was excited. Not because I thought my parents needed one more thing to do, but because I felt I had missed so many years of getting time with her and most importantly, I really wanted my kids to get to know at least one of my grandparents. I prayed for the solution, for Grandma Barbara to move in with my parents, if this would be the best thing for her. After a trial visit, various options considered and hours of conversation between the sisters, it was decided my mom and dad would be the best one in grandma’s current situation to give her the in-home Alzheimer’s care she needed. My parents’ plate was already brimming over and we knew one more major responsibility would change things, but there was just no way to know the drastic impact.
My kids did get to know Grandma Barbara and she was delightful which was such a blessing. At times, I know my mom worried they would feel offended by her grumpier days or as she tried to parent them without a gentle filter, but they loved her for the sweet great-grandma she was. They each had the grace to brush off the sillier moments and it gave us some material for rich conversation but, in the end, they did shed plenty of tears.
It wasn’t tears over grandma Barbara’s comments, actions or forgetfulness, the tears were because our visits with their Papa and Mimi had to look different. For the first few visits back to Colorado, after she moved in, we tried to stay at their home in their basement ‘apartment’, but with full-time care-taking, work and various other responsibilities, we quickly learned our visits were best if we bunked elsewhere. Visits to us quickly became almost impossible and very inconvenient. Of course, the time they did visit, grandma fell out of bed and broke her hip while my brave sister was diligently seeing to her care. My kids had come to love Grandma Barbara, but what I had prayed for also meant there was less of my parents to give to their kids and grandkids.
I combine my walking and praying most days. While sitting and practicing contemplative prayer is enriching, I also really love moving and processing as I take in each seasonal height and shift. For two years now, I’ve been marching the streets where I live and praying for the Lord to usher grandma’s spirit to her eternal home. I prayed it would be swift and easy, without pain, trauma and tough decisions. When things were really bad, the passion of my prayers would increase while also calming my heart and mind with the promise that the Lord’s timing is always best.
Simultaneously, there are a few (hundred) other prayers I’ve been carrying as I march around our neighborhood. My well-worn five-pound weights pump faster as I feel the angst of the questions bouncing in my mind and I’m sure I cause my neighbors to startle, if they catch my facial expressions, as my whole body reflects the wrestle of my prayers. Some prayers have been answered swiftly and miraculously, without pain, trauma and tough decisions. But there are other prayers still being carried, I feel the tension of the here and not yet. Then, there are those prayers which have been answered, but they are accompanied with some growing pains and tough decisions. It’s living with those blessings which I have to remind myself they were, at one time, a fervent prayer. As I walk out the fullness of answered prayers, I am reminded what He has created me for; the process of dependence, conversation and relationship. His desired outcome happens in my pursuit of answered prayer.
As I look around, I see this unfold in various ways, we pray for a miracle and it comes, but it doesn’t mean the path to and from it is completely smooth. Marriages must completely unravel before healing happens, a heart is broken before it’s made whole again, a mind must unpack it’s deepest hurt before it can rest and know truth. I must walk through the door he opened and stay the course even when the path is much longer and steeper than I thought I was signing up for when I first asked for an answer.
The Lord answered our prayers for Grandma Barbara September, 23rd, 2018. I would have willed it to be swifter, less traumatic and without any pain, but we aren’t promised any of that until we are with Him in eternity. What Grandma Barbara now remembers of her earthly home doesn’t cause her any pain, she only feels the joy of being united with her Savior and reunited with those she loved. Those left behind mourn, but not without hope. In the end, it is sudden death to sudden glory.
Many answered prayers have caused me to whisper many more requests. As I go back to marching the neighborhood, pumping my weights, fists hitting the cool air as my whole body experiences the groanings of waiting room prayer. I choose to remember truth* as I am trudge up another hill in my life. My bubbling angst turns to a wrinkle-eyed grin, knowing the answers I hope for now, will most likely cause me to need more prayers for the Lord’s miraculous work in my life.
A Blessing for those who Pray:
I bless you with faith and confidence in your All-Knowing God who answers prayer. May you know the joy of miraculous answers. May you have the grace to accept the process of answered prayers and the perseverance to believe He is working on your behalf as you wait for answered prayer. I bless you with the hope that will not disappoint us because you know how dearly God loves you.
What answers to prayer has been harder to live out than you thought?
*For further reading: 2 Corinthians 1:4, Psalms 94:19, Romans 5:5, Hebrews 11:1