My heart started beating faster, I felt my ears growing hot and my palms getting sweaty.  Familiar panic and stress snuck up on me. I didn’t want to respond this way, but I couldn’t seem to resist the feelings overtaking my soul in the moment. They were brought on by my kids’ excitement of choosing snow boots from the overflowing resale bins. Each of them had selected a style of impractical choices (because they are extremely opinionated) and the most expensive in their size. Knowing I should coach them through a better decision I battle my impulse to shout, ‘No!’ and stomp away.  
Before entering the store, I had plainly stated that we would not be buying anything today. The plan was to sell a box of toys and clothes that were the better of my donation pile. Now most of the time, setting a ‘no purchase agreement’ standard to my kids is not unreasonable and completely necessary. But this time, the motivation of creating this unwarranted boundary was misguided. 

It was triggered by a familiar struggle; my fears of not having enough.

Giving is an intricate part of my DNA, but sometimes my own children wouldn’t know it. They might even use the words ‘stingy’ and ‘miserly’ on occasion. Sometimes, my attitude about money might even communicate there is lack. There was and is, still, a time to say ‘no’ in our lives. Occasionally it’s appropriate to tighten the belt and refrain from a purchase, but too often it’s my knee jerk reaction.

We’ve planned, we’ve saved, but sometimes I struggle with letting money go. Fear of the future is normal for some of us, but is it where we want to reside? I try to draw security from a number, but the truth is; there will never be enough.

Instead, I must find my need for enough, in Him. Placing my security in His perfect provision. Allowing me to generously give to others as freely as the Lord has given to me. Something shifts when I embody this message, experiencing a supernatural pattern of the Lord.

He out-gives me at every step.

The miracles I’ve seen in the last few years point me to a confidence that the Lord will always provide for His kids. If the birds and the flowers of the field are so beautifully dressed, won’t our Heavenly Father take even better care of us?

Instead of leaving in a huff, I take a deep breath checking the budget app to see if the clothing fund will adequately cover this spontaneous purchase. The kids do need some good snow gear, in case their prayers are answered and we get a decent storm this winter. With a lighter spirit, I apologize for my initial frustration and point my kids’ hearts to the generosity of the Lord.

“And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others. For God is the one who provides seed for the farmer and then bread to eat. In the same way, he will provide and increase your resources and then produce a great harvest of generosity in you.” 2 Corinthians 9:8-9